Married To Martyrdom: Why women refuse to believe that men have dating difficulties too

I’ve personally dated a lot of men. I know by their ACTIONS they have no desire to settle down. Others are also more ‘real’ than the author and admit they have no incentive (that they can see) to settle down with one woman when in fact they could juggle several women at once. No one is stopping them.

This comment, left by “Sara” in Eligible, black, male, and hopelessly single, reflects a sentiment shared by many (not most, but definitely many) women in general and sistas in particular. Even when shown concrete evidence that some perfectly normal guys just might have a star-crossed relationship resume, they still refuse to believe that this can possibly be true. Seriously, from the way some talk, they could be getting a lapdance from a dude with “Hey, I’m Matt, and I haven’t been able to find the right match” written on his manthong, and they still wouldn’t believe that Matt was real.

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I spent a couple of days last week trying to think of a reason why so many seemingly intelligent women could all share such blatant blind spots, and I was completely stumped until a random trip to Barnes & Noble provided my “Aha!”

I was in the self-help/relationship section doing research when I took a beat and started actually reading the titles of the books targeted to women.

“He’s Just Not That Into You”

“Why We (Women) Suck At Everything, And How We Can Start Sucking Less”

“Be a Bitch, Silly Bitch!”

Now, I’ve argued for years that (many) women seem to have a bit of a masochistic streak. Whether this is the result of nature or nurture (or both) is arguable, but it definitely does exist, it definitively comes out in the way they communicate to each other and define themselves, it definitely might be our (men’s) fault, and it definitely has a way of making sure you get your money’s worth out of your IKEA bed frames.

But, although this attraction/addiction to pain, struggle, and adversity seems (at best) self-defeating and purposeless and (at worst) f*cking crazy, it does have one crucial byproduct:

Martyrdom

On its face, the concept of martyrdom doesn’t seem very appealing. But, once you delve deeper, you see that it gives the martyr a perpetual moral high-ground that the non-martyrs can never reach or even combat. The suffering makes them better. Better friends, better spouses, better citizens, better people, and you’d have a better chance beating Lex Steele in a pissing contest than debating them about anything moral-related.

They suffer — for you, for their children, for feminism, for Beyonce, for the world — and because they suffer, you have to sit and f*cking listen and cheer for them as they run the final leg on the ”Struggle Olympics” relay team.

Thing is, this Martyrdom gravy train and all its spoils (the moral high road, getting to be saved first in burning buildings, being allowed to cry while watching the final scene in “Akeelah and The Bee,” etc) only runs if they’re the only people who experience pain and adversity.

If some (gasp!) men also go through the same struggle, the same distress, the same blues, then, well, maybe their martyrdom isn’t all that notable anymore. Maybe hearing that men have dating difficulties too is just a bit too much of a shock to their belief systems. Maybe seeing that they might not be able to count on the perfunctory sympathy for their oh so unique sh*tty situations anymore scares the sh*t out of them. Maybe that martyrdom gravy train derails for good.

Anyway, falks, why do you think it’s so hard for some women to believe that some men struggle and sh*t too? Do you think masochism and martyrdom has anything to do with it?

If so, can anything be done to stop that train?